5 Tips for Emotionally Successful Holidays
What do I mean by emotionally successful? I would say that you and those you are gathering with leave the gathering feeling emotionally intact……maybe even lifted by the experience. You are able to show up as your whole, authentic self, and allow others to do the sam.
Worry and Fear about things going south. Oh man, are you ever consumed by worrying about all the things that could go wrong, or fear the worst? Here’s a super quick lesson in that. Deepak Chopra says that worrying is like praying for what we don’t want to have happen. I love this! From my time working with parents of teens and young adults in recovery we spent a lot of time on letting go of F.E.A.R. or False Events Appearing Real. So, tip #1 is don’t deplete your own emotional energy going into things by worrying and focusing on FEAR.
Politics. I hear so much about how people are changing their plans so that they don’t spend the holidays with people who voted differently than they did. And, about things spiraling out of control when a political conversation goes south. You know, 86% of Americans see themselves as moderate. That leaves 14% as more extreme…..only 7%ish on the left and 7%ish on the right. I have recently spent some of the best quality time with family and friends who voted differently than I did. What made it successful? We talked about the things that we LOVE, not the things that we FEAR. So, plan ahead what you might say if things start to get heated. I stick with “gosh, I’d rather not go there today” or “you know, I love you, and those are the feelings that I want to focus on today”. Tip #2 is if we can let go of judgement for just the little while we are together, we can open up and see a little light in each other.
Set an intention for the Holiday Season. Is it to appreciate family? Connect with friends? If your intention is to change Uncle Mike’s political views……I’ve got some sad news for you. You are up against a mulit-billion dollar industry with a vested interest in keeping us all as worked up and divided as possible! My intention is to create a loving space for my family to gather on Thanksgiving where we have some good food, fun and fellowship. My intention for the rest of the holiday season is to reflect love and light to those around me. If you feel yourself slipping into negativity or challenging patterns, use this intention as a mantra. There is always time to stop and take a few deep breaths, reclaim your intention and align your actions. Tip #3 is to set an intention for the day or the season. If you feel yourself ramping up, take some deep breaths and return to your intention.
The parts that are out of your control …don’t try to control them. We have some hard and sad stuff going on in our family right now. I can’t control how each family member feels about these things, or how they show up on a given day. What I can control is how I respond to them. I can also control how I respond to a ruined turkey, lumpy mashed potatoes, or a naughty pet sneaking something off the table. If I make a huge deal out of the mashed potatoes not being as good as I hoped, that is what people are going to remember. And honestly, that response is more about me than anyone else. If I am emotionally exhausted out of the gate because I didn’t ask for what I need ahead of time…..I’m going to be less tolerant if things go south. One of the biggest things I am working on is asking for what I need. So yesterday I asked my mom to make a salad that I was planning on making (seems small but I’m super controlling about food so kind of a big deal for me), and also told my son how important it was to me for him to be present for certain parts of the day on Thanksgiving. Now, they both have the option of disregarding my requests…..but there is a 100% greater chance of those things happening than if I didn’t express my own needs. Tip #4 think about your needs ahead of time. Ask for what will help you fulfill your intention. Then let it go.
Let there be light. Or maybe I should say, let there be lightness. This year, I am planning on a couple of things to lighten the mood. A balance of tradition and fun is the focus I’m going for. So, I have a couple of silly games planned that I hope will generate some laughter and light. I’m trying hard to be less focused on creating a perfect meal, setting the perfect table, or going overboard to avoid my worries or fears. (I’m an Enneagram type 7 and we are known to go overboard to avoid discomfort….so you can bet that’s a part of my intention) some ideas for the lightness….a quick google search of lighthearted questions to ask at the table, (in lieu of the high pressure “what are you thankful for” conversation), some “minute to win it” type of games, telling some of yourfavorite Thanksgiving memories, or maybe some jokes? But most of all, the light is in me. It is in all of us, and how we chose to let it shine is up to us. Tip #5 bring lightness, and let your light shine.
My hope for all of you during this season is that instead of draining your cup, you can find some ways to fill it along the way. Consider what depletes you and what replenishes you. It is not selfish to do this. Because when you are replenished, you can show up as your authentic and most amazing self. And everyone wants to be a part of that!